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Review Archives:
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Reviews (just scroll down to read)
Dahmer (5/10)
Daltry Calhoun (6.5/10)
Damnation Alley (7/10)
Danielson: A Family Movie (7.5/10)
Dan In Real Life (5.5/10)
Danny Deckchair (7.5/10)
Daredevil (2/10)
Dark City (7/10)
Darkness (3/10)
Dark Water (5.5/10)
Dawn of the Dead (7/10)
The Day After Tomorrow (7.5/10)
Day of the Dead (7.5/10)
Days of Thunder (6.5/10)
Dazed and Confused (10/10)
Dead and Breakfast (5/10)
Dead Man's Shoes (7.5/10)
Deathbed (1/10)
Death Hunt (7.5/10)
Deathwatch (5/10)
Death Wish (6.5/10)
December Boys (5/10)
The Defiant Ones (8/10)
The Departed (9/10)
Derailed (6/10)
Desperate Man Blues (8/10)
Detour (6/10)
The Devil and Daniel Johnston (8/10)
The Devil Came from Akasava (4/10)
The Devil Came on Horseback (8/10)
Diamonds and Rust (6/10)
Die Hard (8.5/10)
Dillinger (7/10)
Dirty Harry (7.5/10)
A Dirty Shame (4/10)
Dirty War (7/10)
Dr. Chopper (0/10)
Dodgeball (7/10)
Dog Days (4/10)
Dogville (0/10)
Domino (5/10)
Don't Come Knocking (6/10)
Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead (7/10)
Doom (4/10)
The Doom Generation (4/10)
The Driver (5/10)
The Dukes of Hazard (5/10)
Duplex (3/10)

East of Havana (6.5/10)
Eastern Promises (8/10)
Eaten Alive (6/10)
Ed Gein (5/10)
El Bola (7.5/10)
Elephant (5/10)
Elf (7.5/10)
Elizabeth 1 (3/10)
Elizabethtown (5.5/10)
Emperor of the North Pole (8/10)
Empire of the Sun (10/10)
Employee of the Month (5/10)
End of the Century (9/10)
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (8.5/10)
Envy (3/10)
Equilibrium (6/10)
Eragon (3/10)
Escape from New York (9/10)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (6.5/10)
Europa Europa (7/10)
Even Dwarves Started Small (4/10)
Everything Is Illuminated (8/10)
Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (3/10)
The Exorcism of Emily Rose (5.5/10)
The Exorcist: The Beginning (3/10)
Extreme Ops (0/10)

Face (5.5/10)
Factotum (7/10)
Failure to Launch (4.5/10)
Fakers (4/10)
The Family Stone (5/10)
Fast Food Nation (6.5/10)
Fast Times at Ridgemont High (10/10)
Fear (3/10)
Feardotcom (3/10)
Fear X (5/10)
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (10/10)
Festival Express (8/10)
Final Destination 3 (2/10)
Find Me Guilty (7.5/10)
Firewall (6/10)
The Firm (7/10)
The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (6/10)
F.I.S.T. (5/10)
Flags of Our Fathers (6/10)
Flightplan (2/10)
The Fog (4/10)
Food of the Gods (5/10)
The Football Factory (5.5/10)
For Your Consideration (7/10)
Forgetting Sara Marshall (7.5/10)
The Forgotten (5/10)
48 Hours (8/10)
Forty Shades of Blue (4/10)
The 40 Year Old Virgin (7.5/10)
Four Brothers (7/10)
Fracture (7/10)
Frantic (6/10)
Freedomland (7/10)
Friday Night Lights (8/10)
Friday the 13th: Part VII (4/10)
The Front Page (6.5/10)
Futureworld (5/10)

Gacy (3/10)
Zach Galifianakis: Live at the Purple Onion (8.5/10)
The Game Plan (3/10)
Gangs of New York (8/10)
Garden (5/10)
Garden State (6/10)
Gates of Heaven (10/10)
The Getaway (7.5/10)
Ghostbusters 2 (6.5/10)
Ghostrider (2/10)
Ghost Ship (7/10)
The Ghosts of Abu Gharib (7.5/10)
Ghosts of Cite Soleil (7.5/10)
Gigantic: A Tale of Two Johns (7.5/10)
Ginger Snaps (5/10)
Girlhood (4/10)
The Girl on a Motorcycle (4/10)
Glengarry Glen Ross (10/10)
Glory Road (5.5/10)
Goin’ South (8/10)
Golden Ninja Warrior (5/10)
Gone (4/10)
The Gong Show Movie (7/10)
Goodbye Lenin (7.5/10)
Goodfellas (10/10)
The Good German (6/10)
Good Husband, Dear Son (9/10)
The Good Shephard (5/10)
Gotham Fish Tales (6.5/10)
Gothika (3/10)
Gozu (5/10)
Grandma's Boy (7/10)
The Great Raid (5.5/10)
Grey Gardens (9/10)
Grind (3/10)
Grindhouse: Death Proof (7/10)
Grindhouse: Planet Terror (8/10)
Grizzly Man (7/10)
Groundhog Day (10/10)
The Ground Truth (7/10)
The Grudge (4.5/10)
The Grudge 2 (5/10)
The Guardian (6/10)
A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints (6.5/10)
Gummo (9/10)
Gunner Palace (8/10)

Dahmer (2002)
- 5 out of 10 -

The good about this film: I liked that it was told from the killer’s point of view much like “Henry”, and not in
the typical exploitive way that these things are usually portrayed. I think it does a decent job of showing
Dahmer “the human” and not solely “the monster”. Jeremy Renner did a pretty convincing job of being as
creepy as Dahmer probably was, but he may have been a little too handsome for the role…but that’s
Hollywood for you.

The bad about this film: Maybe it’s the sadist in me, but I would have liked more focus on the victims –
killing them, eating them, sleeping with them…it is a horror movie after all, let’s make with the horror. It
was paced a little slow at times, with too much focus on the minutia of scenes and not a large enough
view on the murders he was commiting as a whole. I can see what the film maker was going for, but it
didn’t work that well. Not awful, but awfully boring at times.

Daltry Calhoun (2005)
- 6.5 out of 10 -

This film was obviously supposed to be a touching commentary on family life and persevering through hard
times, but for the most part it was goofy movie about an awkward grass seed baron trying to get through life.
It's a rather inconsequential movie, but Johnny Knoxville does a good job as Daltry and I suppose it has that
feel-good ending that most folks enjoy.

Damnation Alley (1977)
- 6 out of 10 -

The fact that I only saw this a few weeks ago but couldn’t remember anything about it until I looked it
up probably says a lot about this movie. Even though it is in my favorite genre - that being anything
“post-apocalyptic” – it is not a stand-out of the style. After a full scale nuclear war, a handful of survivors
from an army base decide to road trip in their military tank-van-whatchamadoohickey to Albany, where
apparently life is good and survivors abound. In the course of their trip they run into all sorts of cheesy
creatures trying to attack them, like giant scorpions and deadly cockroaches and hell there may have
even been some dung beetles with super powers, I lost track. Even the presence of the Bad News Bear
himself, Jackie Earle Haley can’t elevate this above average.

Danielson: A Family Movie (2006)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

With the music of Danielson, you either like it or you don't - I personally love it, whereas my girlfriend
equates it to the sound of 10,000 dying horses. Different strokes for different folks and all that I guess.
So it's not much of a stretch to realize that how you feel about the man's music is going to directly affect
your perception as to whether or not this is an enjoyable film. I liked seeing the path Daniel Snith took to
being the musician he is today, and this doc did a great job of that. My girlfriend questioned not only how
there could be a documentary on this man, but was it possible for there to be enough interesting material
to fill a full-length movie, and mostly she commented on how she didn't think it was humanly possible that
anyone could enjoy the music contained in the film. So like I said, different strokes and all that.

Dan In Real Life (2007)
- 5.5 out of 10 -

It was interesting to me that the writers did such an excellent job portraying Steve Carrell as a complicated,
multi-faceted man...columnist, single dad, oddball, loner, whatever. And then they paired him with some of
the most boring, one-dimensional characters put to film in recent years. This isn't an awful film, just kinda
boring and typical outside of Carrell. At least the scenery was nice.

Danny Deckchair (2003)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

This sweet, likeable Australian film is based on the true story of a crazy American dude (known as Lawnchair
Larry) who tied a bunch of helium weather balloons to a deck chair and ended up floating from San Pedro to
the Long Beach Airport and into the arms of the LAPD. Where Larry ended up with some small legal issues
and a bunch of late night talkshow interest, in the film Danny floats his way out of a crappy relationship and into
the arms of a new lover. At it's heart this film is basically a romantic comedy, but it's done so well that even a
leather hearted fool like myself found some joy in Danny getting the girl he wanted in the end.

Daredevil (2003)
- 2 out of 10 -

Dear god what an abomination. Now I know why I put off watching it for so long; and if it hadn’t been
for the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 guys busting funny over it live as a part of SF Sketchfest and
I was watching it at home, I would have turned it off after 5 minutes. The acting was godawful across
the board, the special effects were janky at best, the story was boring, and they used enough crane
and helicopter shots that if they were cut out of the film it would have been 30 minutes shorter. The
only possible bright spot was Colin Farrell’s ham-job version of Bullseye – it wasn’t good per se, but
so goofy that it was pretty unintentionally funny. This is easily the worst comic book adaptation since
the Dolph Lundgren version of The Punisher, and that is saying a lot.

Dark City (1998)
- 7 out of 10 -

This flick plays like a poor man's version of a Terry Gilliam fantasy film, and it's never gotten the
credit it deserves for being pretty damn good in my opinion…even if Kiefer Sutherland for some
reason can't act to save his life here. By far the best part of this feature was the set design, all mid-
century architecture and cars and manner of dress…it felt like a noir film that got swallowed by a
sci-fi monster. And that creepy kid in the movie…he'll haunt my nightmares for years to come.
What the hell ever happened to Rufus Sewell anyways, I thought he was going ot be the next big
thing…

Darkness (2002)
- 3 out of 10 -

A horror thriller set in a creaky old house starring the always-cute Anna Paquin…honestly, this is all
I can remember about the film, other than that it was boring. And it wasn’t even that long ago that I
watched it. And so I’m sitting here, trying to think of anything to write about this stupid movie, but all
I can think of is how cute Anna Paquin is, and why in the hell did she ever agree to star in this, and
why isn’t she more popular? Meh, just watch X-Men if you want to look at her, this mess of a horror
film isn’t even worth the trouble.

Dark Water (2002)
- 5.5 out of 10 -

I was seeing the previews for the Jennifer Connelly remake of this film, and since they looked interesting
enough I figured I would go right to the source and check out the Japanese original. Now I dunno how
the American version fared, and I can see why you might want to remake this film, but all told it wasn't a
very interesting movie. Creepy, sure - one thing this new-era of Japanese horror directors and writers
have a lock on is creepy; but the plot was incredibly weak and given the storyline, you honestly never
end up caring what happens to any of the main characters. It's certainly watchable if you are in a horror-
type of mood, better than the Grudge but not as good as the Ring, but really, nothing special.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)
- 7 out of 10 -

Having not seen the original in some time (I need to go back and re-watch it now though), I was eager to
check out this remake of Dawn of the Dead. I’m usually against remakes with the exception of horror
movies; with the advancements in technology, it’s always interesting to see how they will portray evil in the
next installment. There’s a reason that the staples of horror – zombies, werewolves, vampires, serial killers,
etc – keep reappearing. It’s not the story in a horror flick that really makes things move, it’s the execution.
And on that front, this remake has done a great job.

The general story here is the same as in the first version - survivors of a zombie-causing plague hole up in a
mall and try their best to survive both the continual assault of the zombies and each other. The biggest diff-
erence between the two film is in the portrayal of the zombies – these are no longer the slow, lumbering oafs
you grew up with…now they run at you full force to get at your tender, delicious brains. Actually, they never
once seem to be interested in eating brains at all, but rather just attacking anyone not one of them. I’m not
going to get into the details of the film, because they’re really not necessary. If you want to see a film with
some good horror-action and a bit of drama, look no further. This is what escapism is all about.

The Day After Tomorrow (2004)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

The world is coming to an end, everyone run for your lives! This time, it looks like it's our negligence of the
environment causing the problems; global warming has caused a shift in the gulf strea min the Atlantic,
triggering the next ice age. As you might expect, many people perish in various horrific fashions; others
struggle and survive, despite the odds; and the package is wrapped up in a nice pretty happy-ending pack-
age, just like you expected. But the issue here isn't how the movie plays out necessarily, but rather how well
it's executed; and in the case of The Day After Tomorrow, that execution is fantastic. The suspense was
pretty riveting, the actors were adequate without being distracting, and most importantly - the special effects
were top-notch. It seemed so realistic you would think those horrific things occuring might be real if common
sense didn't tell you better. I must admit, the sight of wellknown landmarks being destroyed my nature or
beasts in films pleases me every time; and this film delivers in spades.

Day of the Dead (1985)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

I recently saw the remake of Dawn of the Dead, and enjoyed it very much. This inevitably led me to want to
see what happens next, and that is the glorious Day of the Dead. Since this came out in 1985, it is awe-
somely dated in the best way – cheesy synth music, bad hair styles, and atrocious clothing. It pretty much
rules for that fact alone.

This film revolves around a group of soldiers and civilians holed up in what looks to be a cold war under-
ground bunker for surviving a nuclear bomb. The soldiers are dumb and surly, the civilians are comprised
of some medical staff and a few strays, and the two groups hate each other. Moreover, one of the medical
staff takes it upon himself to conduct experiments on the zombies ala Frankenstein/Re-animator. In true
fashion, it takes a bunch of hack c-list actors to create a true gore film (yes, gore – it’s not horror because
at no point are you ever actually scared), and they do a fine job of hamming it up. Especially the character
of Captain Rhodes – his seething, ignorant army man is one of my favorite horror acting jobs…he’s so easy
to hate it’s almost not fair. If you like a good zombie movie, then you can’t do any better than one of George
Romero’s best inspirations – but then again, if you like a good zombie movie, you already knew that.

Days of Thunder (1990)
- 6.5 out of 10 -

“Days of Thunder”, “To Die For” and “BMX Bandits” – the only three films Nicole Kidman has starred
in where I don’t want to climb through the TV and gouge out her eyes with a dull stick. This film as a
whole is a totally ridiculous, overly serious Nascar action-drama that for some reason I’ve seen more
times than I can count, and I still enjoy it every time. Don’t take that as an endorsement to see it though –
it’s a bad movie, but for some reason I’ve always enjoyed it for reasons I cannot fathom. I hate Tom
Cruise, Nicole Kidman, and Nascar – maybe all that bad combines in just such a way that it comes
out as good? Who knows, and it’s certainly not worth the brain power it takes to try and figure it out.

Dead and Breakfast (2004)
- 5 out of 10 -

The tagline for this flick is “Its like a bad horror movie, only worse.” - which is about as accurate a descrip-
tion as I could ever manage. It's a knowingly, intentionally bad horror movie ala Evil Dead 2 or 3, only
nowhere near as funny or effective. The problem is that when you intentionally make a horror movie cheesy,
you kill the joy found in horror movies that are unintentionally goofy and funny...the end result being a film
that is neither horror nor comedy. Lots of small roles from Hollywood B and C listers though, if that sort of
thing gets your blood boiling.

Dead Man's Shoes (2004)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

Is it wrong that all I could think of while watching this film was the cult classic “I Spit On Your Grave”? I guess
it only makes sense, both are tales of revenge where the injured party knocks off the offenders one by one.
This one is obviously a much less campy, more serious affair, and certainly the better film, but it could never
touch the place I have in my heart for “I Spit On Your Grave.” Paddy Considine is fantastic in the lead, both in
reference to his acting and his beard-growing (and he also wrote the story, a damn talented lout he is). This
might be a small, overlooked film, but it's well worth seeking out.

Deathbed (2002)
- 1 out of 10 -

I spent about 20 minutes on this film, but somehow it felt like hours. Yes, they made a low-rent and poorly acted
movie about a bed. A bed that kills people. I'm going to go ahead and start writing my first screenplay now,
because if this can get made, anything is possible.

Death Hunt (1981)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

Yaeh, like you could actually make a bad movie when you have Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin as your
leads...even if you were'nt trying at all, with their screen presence, they could just read the sunday circulars
and it would at least be mediocre viewing. But this is a pretty damn good film, revolving around a loner
mountain man(Bronson) who intervenes in a dog fight and ends up accidentally killing a man; susequently,
the Canadian mounties (Marvin as the leader, and also featuring Carl "Action Jackson" Weathers) have to
go after him even though they know he's a good man. Fantastic scenery abounds, a good story and acting,
and an ending that will satisfy most viewers. You gotta love that Bronson and Marvin teamwork.

Deathwatch (2002)

- 5 out of 10 -

I've always had a soft spot for anything WWI related - such a brutal war, the idea of trench warfare and the emer-
gence of chemical weapons really makes that conflict seem like the most dreadful of them all ( i.e., the most
interesting). But despite my predisposition towards this type of film, this was still a rather dull outing. It was part
war movie and part horror movie, only minus the action of war or the scares of horror. There was a lot of yelling
and sitting around and rain and unhappy faces, but none of that translated into compelling cinema. But I suppose
any modern WWI movie is better than nothing...hopefully someday it will really get a first class "Saving Private
Ryan" type of treatment with big name directors and superstars and the works, cause I'd love to see it.

Death Wish (1974)
- 6.5 out of 10 -

Charles Bronson - has there ever been a film star who is both as creepy and as awesome as this man is?
The Death Wish series is his obvious calling card, even if he was better The Magnificent Seven, The Dirty
Dozen, and a bunch of other great 60's and 70's actioneers. Either way, in the 70's "vigilante justice" was
the hot topic, and this fit the bill perfectly. Bronson plays an architect whose wife is killed by "street thugs"
and then decides to exact revenge on the ne'er-do-wells that cause trouble in the city. And that's pretty
much it...there's a lot of skulking in the shadows, and moving music, and Bronson's hit percentage is nearly
perfect which is quite impressive. Honestly, there's nothing special about this or really any of this series,
but I've seen worse.

December Boys (2007)
- 5 out of 10 -

Not a good movie, not a bad movie, but certainly a boring movie. It stars Harry Potter and three other kids
playing a group of orphans too old to be adopted, living in the Australian Outback and creating their own
family by sticking together. And then...actually, that's it. Not much else happens. Nice scenery I guess.

The Defiant Ones (1958)
- 8 out of 10 -

This film was legendary for it's time - the acting, the cinematography, and most importantly the story all
pushed boundries during a turbulent period. And to add on top of that, the movie has completely stood
the test of the time, proving it is immensely entertaining nearly 50 years later. there are few film perform-
ances on par with Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier and their interplay in the role of escaped convicts
chained together (both physically and mentally). Both were nominated for Oscars, though neither won
(each won "best actor" awards at the BAFTAs and other such shindigs). Words sorta escape me on this
one, just know it's a hell of a film from start to finish.

The Departed (2006)
- 9 out of 10 -

Now this is how you do a remake! It really goes to show how the choice of a quality director and a good
original story can actually guide a remake from the “pointless waste of time” category into “can't miss” terr-
itory. There are so many twists and turns and outstanding acting jobs going on in this film that it would be
impossible to summarize in this brief review, but suffice to say it fittingly won the Oscar for best picture of
2006 because there is no doubt in my mind that it was the best movie to come out last year.

Derailed (2005)
- 6 out of 10 -

Clive Owen tried and tried, but he couldn't quite pull this film over the hump from acceptable to good. It was
mostly the fault of the story – it was plainly obvious from act one that Jennifer Aniston was in on the scam,
the only question was who would die and how it would happen. There was a nice ominous tone to the flick,
and Vincent Cassel made for a fine villain, but the total package left something ot be desired.

Desperate Man Blues (2003)
- 8 out of 10 -

Captivating documentary about Joe Bussard, an extremely passionate 78 record collector out of Maryland
who has as much personality as the rare wax he's spent his life hunting for. It's a simple film, documenting
this mans life-encompasing hobby and his passion for rare classic country, blues and jazz - simple, but very
engrossing. Any one who's ever had a passion for music will most likely find some joy here.

Detour (1945)
- 6 out of 10 -

A classic film noir flick in reputation and certainly in style, but the story ain't much to speak of. The print isn't
fantastic and neither is the acting, and the classic noir-ish twists and turns can be seen from a mile away,
but I guess it's still an entertaining flick. And it's quite short, so it's not like you'll be out much time anyways.

The Devil and Daniel Johnston (2005)
- 8 out of 10 -

It's about damn time someone made a documentary on the fascinating creature that is Daniel Johnston. This
film really does a damn fine job of taking you through the life of Dan - how his crazily religious upbringing has
affected him, the onset of his mental illness, his discovery as a musical and artistic genius, with boatloads of
interviews from friends, family and famous fans. I've been a fan of Johnston's for some time, but this docu-
mentary is so well done that even those who have never heard of him will probably find themselves fascinated.

Now if they would get around to that Wesley Willis documentary finally…

The Devil Came from Akasava (1971)
- 4 out of 10 -

This movie made absolutely no goddamn sense. Only thing I could draw from it was a lot of lurking around
tropical islands, old men having boring conversations, and plenty of overly drawn out scenes in nightclubs
that served no purpose. So why would I even give it a 4 out of 10? For one reason – Soledad Miranda gets
naked in this monstrosity A LOT, and she was indescribably hot back in those days. While I hope I never
see this movie again, if someone were to make a mix of all of her nude scenes that would certainly be
worth an additional viewing or two...

The Devil Came on Horseback (2007)
- 8 out of 10 -

I find myself immensely fascinated by any and all topics involving modern genocide in Africa. This doc-
umentary is one of many I've seen on the subject of Darfur and the indiscriminate killing and raping of the
niative folk happening there, and it's probably the most powerful of the bunch. It will make you hate any and
every person involved in this tragic fiasco, from the U.N.s lack of balls in intervening with the killing, China
for giving the country so much financial support, and most of all the government of Sudan for killing it's own
citizens. And what's worse, many years since the murders began still no one has done a damn thing to stop
it. It all makes you feel very small in the world, knowing you can do nothing to help, so you keep watching
and watching and hoping things change...

Diamonds and Rust (2001)
- 6 out of 10 -

Even though there was nothing particularly special about this short documentary, I did learn something I
never knew before – diamonds can be mined from the surface of the bottom of the ocean by vacuums!
I had no idea…I thought you had to go deep underground for those things.

They could have taken this doc in many different routes and made it much better, but instead they chose
to just give a glossed-over view of this crew of volatile men floating off of the east coast of Africa. The
heads of the ship are mostly elitist prick South African and Israeli white men, and they treat the mostly
native African and Cuban workers like shit. They should have spent the film documenting the class diff-
erence here, and what makes the ship’s captains hate them so, and they would have made me perfectly
happy. Or they could have taken the more scientific route and really gotten into how the diamonds form
on the bottom of the ocean and the process of extracting them.

Die Hard (1988)
- 8.5 out of 10 -

Along with Lethal Weapon, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better mindless action movie made over the
last 20+ years. Bruce Willis is the perfect star for a vehicle like this, a smart-alec rogue cop full of cheesy
dialogue and unstoppable to any and all obstacles - you really believe he is like this. Sure, it seems pre-
posterous that someone would be yelling catch phrases when they ambush the enemy or fall off of
buildings, but for some reason in this movie it makes perfect sense. You never doubt for a moment that
he will stop all of the highly skilled kidnappers and save everyone in the end, but you keep watching be-
cause the route getting there is so entertaining. I don't know why filmmakers were so good at these types
of films in the eighties but have forgotten how to make them correctly in the 15 years since, but it's a little
depressing that watching this over and over beats seeing any of the new action flicks even once.

Dillinger (1973)
- 7 out of 10 -

This is classic seventies cinema – the look and feel of it, the cast (Warren Oates, Ben Johnson, Richard
Dreyfuss, Cloris Leachman, Geoffrey Lewis, Harry Dean Stanton), the direction...shit, even the credits.
Warren Oates as the hard-ass Dillinger is perfect casting, as he is one of the most hardass actors of any
generation. The plot plays out like you'd expect, with the prerequisite Hollywood flourishes over the true
story; but just because you know how the thing ends, ain't no reason not to enjoy this classic flick.

Dirty Harry (1971)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

I went through a big Clint Eastwood spell in college and watched pretty much every film he’s been in outside
of a couple of older B movies from when he was first getting started and the musical Paint Your Wagon,
which I just can’t get up the nerve to sit through. For a man who has released so many top notch movies,
this will always be the one he is best known for. It’s not even close to his greatest work, but it’s a damn
enjoyable action romp that ignited a shitstorm of crappy followers who thought they could make a vigilante
cop film with just anyone. This film is carried on the believability of Eastwood as the character he plays –
despite what you might actually know about his real life, it’s hard to imagine him not being a shitkicker of
some sort had he not become a silver screen icon. Sure, the film may seem a bit dated now, but the hacks
out there are still trying to make this same movie today and I’d just as soon continue watching the original.

A Dirty Shame (2004)
- 4 out of 10 -

It is a dirty shame, a dirty shame that John Waters couldn’t do any better than this. While I generally
appreciate his level of campiness, this was pretty awful even for him. I’ve always liked his hang-ups
on sexual perversions and how he would include them in his films, but I’m not sure having an entire
film revolve around them is the way to go. On the one hand, even a crappy John Waters film is going
to be somewhat of a good time, but I guess I was expecting more and was left feeling disappointed.

Dirty War (2004)
- 7 out of 10 -

Set in London, this film is all about the preparation before and aftermath of the detonation of a
dirty bomb in the center of the city. It views it not only from the point of view of the terrorists, but
of the first-defense firefighter and cops as well as the intelligence operatives trying to stop the
terrorists before they carry out their evil deed. Now, something like this has never happened and
we can always hope that it never does, but this felt like a pretty realistic portrayal of how things
would go down. A radioactive bomb, set off in the middle of a day in a high density population
are and poorly prepared first responders equals chaos, and that’s what you get with this movie.
It is kind of unnerving in knowing how possible it is for this type of story to go from fiction to prophecy.

Dr. Chopper (2005)
- 0 out of 10 -

Good god, the acting is so laughably bad in this it goes from bad to amusing to good, all the way back to
bad again. Yes, it's that bad. And as for the "special effects" - the film starts with a crazy doctor chopping
someones obviously plastic hand off, and then the blood spray from the cut entails someone obviously
throwing a coffee cup full of fake blood in the doctor's face...well, it doesn't get much better from there.
I'm pretty sure the only way anyone ponied money up for this in production was on a lost bet.

Dodgeball (2004)
- 7 out of 10 -

For some reason this film really reminded me of the movie idea I had back in college about a team of
rag-tag paraplegic homeless Vietnam vets winning a quilting bee…that is, the premise is totally ridiculous
but if the cast and the gags are funny, it’ll be good. That pretty much sums this up; it’s an entirely stupid
film, about the owners of a crappy gym winning a dodgeball tournament to make sure the big, bad gym
doesn’t take them over. Of course, they win, the guy gets the girl, happily ever after and all that; but what
really matters is that it is pretty funny. Stephen Root is great as always, Vince Vaughn continues taking
this straight-man role to the bank, and Ben Stiller, although occasionally annoying, made me laugh plenty
here. You want a brainless good time, this should suffice.

Dog Days (2001)
- 4 out of 10 -

I had read some good reviews, and god knows I love a good story (or non-story) told in a
disjointed fashion (I'm looking in you direction, Slacker), but sometimes, it just doesn't work.

Set in austria, this picture basically follows a few disparate groups of people around during a
heat wave and shows what happens in their lives (which turns out ot be very little) over the
course of a day. Dog Days felt like the antithesis of Gummo in many ways; many folks may
have hated Gummo, but regardless of the outcome anyone would have a tough time arguing
that the characters were uninteresting, the scenery boring, or the film at all slow. It is exactly
these three facts that make Dog Days not worth watching. The biggest culprit in screwing
things up was that the shots were painfully long, and this is coming from someone who normally
goes gaga for long cuts in movies; I'm not one to tell someone how to change their movies, but
a little editing in this area would have made the flick immensely more watchable. But it still
wouldn't have solved the fact that this film is full of characters you have no desire to care about
and story lines that aren't particularly interesting, but at least some editing would keep you from
wasting so much time watching the movie. The few characters who are slightly interesting - the
hitchhiker, the widower, and the sex adict - even wear out their welcome by the time the movie
is halfway over. If the goal of the director was to make you feel the crippling boredom that
encompasses the character's lives in the film, then he certainly accomplished that.

And my god, who would have thought the outskirts of Vienna could look so sterile and uninter-
esting? It just goes to show that suburbs are the pits the world over.

Dogville (2003)
- 0 out of 10 -
I should pay more attention. I knew it had Nicole Kidman in it, which was strike one. But I loved
Breaking the Waves and Dancer in the Dark so I wanted to give Lars von Trier’s latest a benefit of
the doubt. And I knew it was nearly 3 hours long, but I guess that’s what you expect out of the guy.
But something better be pretty damn good if you’re going to waste 3 hours on it. What I didn’t know
is that it is a play. Sure, it’s a DVD, but they just filmed the performance of a play. I do not and never
have liked plays, they give me the heeby-jeebies just like clowns and horses. I lasted about one
chapter into this before the ham-fisted acting had me take it out. I’m sure there are folks out there
who love this, but it sure ain’t me.

Domino (2005)
- 5 out of 10 -

Even though it might be based on a true story, the plot line in this film is as convoluted as a schizo-
phrenic's daydream. And good god, give it a rest with the overblown exposures and color saturation
coupled with a lot of quick edits - it doesn't make the film any edgier, it just proves you really liked
Natural Born Killers. But the one thing this movie does do right is casting. Sure, Keira Knightley looks
crazy sexy as you would expect, but it's the supporting cast and depth thereof that really stands out -
Mickey Rourke, Delroy Lindo, Monique, Dabney Coleman, Christopher Walken...shit, it even had Brian
Austin Green and Ian Ziering starring as themselves! And despite the films other shortcomings, there
is one fantastic scene involving an appearance on Jerry Springer that might make this shlock-fest
worth watching all by itself.

Don't Come Knocking (2005)
- 6 out of 10 -

Apparently this is a loose sequel to Wim Wender's "Paris, Texas", though I saw that so long ago I'd never
have been able to tell you that if I hadn't read it in the film write-up. So god only knows how it works as a
continuation of those older story lines...what I do know is that as a stand-alone film it's not too bad. A bit
pointless at times maybe, but that is nothing new with Wenders - he often seems to go for the visual over
the substantive story. The cinematography is certainly excellent here (the casino scenes in Elko especially
stood out), but there is a just a little too much of Sam Shepard wandering around aimless and paranoid and
drunk and not enough actual resolution to call this a great film.

Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead (1991)
- 7 out of 10 -

Yeah, it might be stupid beyond belief, but I’ve always found this film immensely enjoyable; I still re-
member seeing it in the theatre, because my pubescent headbanger ass was in love with Christina
Applegate (just like pretty much every hetero young man during those early years of Married with
Children). Nowadays, the film is still valuable as a fantastic period piece for identifying some of the
worst clothing and hair styles of the late 80s and early 90s, an extra layer on the film that makes it even
funnier than it ever was intended to be. Also, David Duchovney has a small part playing a smarmy
business dude that is comedic at the highest levels.

It was also right around this time that I got a waffle iron for Christmas, which I’m pretty sure I requested…
I can’t remember if this film played a role in that, but it seems reasonable given how many times I’ve
seen it. I still never learned how to make Belgian waffles though…

Doom (2005)
- 4 out of 10 -

It shouldn't have been tough to recreate the Doom game in movie form, especially with the Rock
involved and the original creators of Doom overseeing the project, but somehow they decided it
would be a better idea to make a really shitty recreation of Alien and not cast the Rock as the lead.
Seriously why even bother calling this doom? Outside of one small scene where they switched to
first person while attacking an alien creature, there was really nothing Doom-ish at all in this flick.
Very disappointing.

The Doom Generation (1995)
- 4 out of 10 -

I understand this film is intentionally bad as some sort of “send up” of generation x, and sometimes
“intentionally bad” works to the movie's advantage...this isn't one of those cases. Outside of some in-
teresting guest appearances (Perry Ferrell, Heidi Fleiss) and Rose McGowan's boobs, there ain't much
worth seeing here. Though Rose's chest is a very very nice one...

The Driver (1978)
- 5 out of 10 -

A seventies crime movie called “The Driver”...I'm guessing you can figure out the story line without much
trouble. Like many other films of the era, this one is characterized by some top notch chase/driving
scenes and a lot of mediocre acting/dialogue in between those scenes. It's a little difficult to accept Ryan
O'Neal as a tough guy ace driver when he looks like he should be the love interest of some cougar on a
soap opera, but that is the hand you're dealt here. I'd recommend this for the chase scenes alone, but
maybe have the remote in your hand to fast forward through the action-less acting sections...like a classic
porno, you just want to get to the good stuff.

The Dukes of Hazard (2005)
- 5 out of 10 -

Ye gods, Tom Wopat must be rolling over in his grave right now. I don't care if he isn't dead. And where
the hell was Flash? That dog was the best part of the show. An Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg? I love The
Bandit, but that just isn't right - the Hogg is supposed to be fat. Whatever, it was a fun movie I guess,
entirely and completely stupid, but fun. And even though I've never been much of a Jessica Simpson fan,
she did look good in the flick. Maybe worth watching if you are feeling entirely brain dead, or stuck on a
plane like I was, but otherwise...I still can't believe my beloved Broken Lizard dudes were involved in this
crap, I'm hoping it was just to raise money for their own films.

Duplex (2003)
- 3 out of 10 -

I lasted about 30 minutes into this film before I decided I'd rather do about anything else, even clean the
house, than finish it. And I hate cleaning the house.

If there is anything good to say about this, at least the bad guy wins in the end. Although in a perfect world
all parties involved in the story would have just fallen off of a cliff. You'd have to be really, really, REALLY
bored to bother with this flick.

East of Havana (2006)
- 6.5 out of 10 -

This is a documentary on the growing youth movement of hip-hop in Havana, a somewhat interesting sub-
ject matter though quite secondary to the real reason I watched this, which was just to see Cuba from the
perspective of the poverty-stricken kids who were toiling through life in search of better things via music. The
music was fine, nothing special, obviously heavily influenced by the tunes they were hearing from radio
stations out of south Florida; what really kept me tuned in were the scenes of Cuba, mesmerizing in their
ability to get through life with so little resources. The deteriorating buildings, the classic cars and the ability
of the people to persevere always keep me fixated anytime Cuba is the topic at hand.

Eastern Promises (2007)
- 8 out of 10 -

I've been fascinated by the topic of Russian prison tattoos for a long time now, so placing this as a major
theme in a movie is automatically going to get my attention. Of course I had no idea of this going in –
I thought it was just a Russian gangster movie...which it mostly was, and a pretty damn good one at that.
Viggo Mortensen is absolutely brilliant here, easily one of the best performances of a very good year.
David Cronenberg has really hit a renaissance lately, as pretty much everything he has put out this decade
has been between good and great. It's gotten to the point now that I eagerly anticipate whatever new flick
he comes out with next, even if it doesn't involve Russian prison tattoos.

Eaten Alive (1977)
- 6 out of 10 -

This is a god awful movie, but the camp factor is so high it actually makes the flick a reasonably enter-
taining bit of nonsense. You got Tobe Hooper as the writer and director, you got Robert Englund as one
of the main characters, you got a bunch of hot no-name girls taking off their shirts, and most importantly
you have a number of brutal & entertaining murders, mostly by either crocodile or scythe. The quality of
the film is quite poor (which makes sense considering this was presented as a “grindhouse”-type
feature on IFC), and I'm pretty sure the film stock used to film this was the worst available, but if you are
in the right frame of mind you'll probably have a good time this pile of schlock.

Ed Gein (2000)
- 5 out of 10 -

I think I’ve mentioned before my fascination with stories about serial killers, but just in case I didn’t, let
me tell you – I find both the fact and fiction that surrounds serial killers to be quite engaging. Ed Gein
was probably the creepiest serial killer of the last 50 years, inspiring in some part a number of classic
films – Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Silence of the Lambs being the big three everyone
mentions, plus god knows how many B-horror movies. He grew up the child of an extremely religious
woman and never had any friends. After the death of his mother, he took to grave robbing and then
eventually murder to create body suits of human skin and a number of strange creations using human
body parts. He was only prosecuted for two murders, but was suspected in a number more in the area.

So the problem with this film is obviously not the material – it speaks for itself. Honestly, you’d have to
try really hard to make it uninteresting, and it seems like these folks gave it their best shot. They took
one of the most intriguing stories on the past century and made it much duller than it should have been.
And while it seemed to be fairly truthful in the facts, they failed to breathe any life into the actual telling of
it. I would probably only recommend this to folks who are particularly interested in this and other stories
like it – there’s very little chance it could hold the attention of anyone else.

El Bola (2000)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

a fairly brilliant look at the subject of child abuse…nothing sensational here, just a very down-to-earth scenario
involving a controlling father, his son, and some family friends who try to do the right thing. The acting is
superb across the board, as I’ve pretty much come to expect of Spanish cinema at this point. While I’ve never
heard of the director Achero Manas before, I’ll certainly keep my eye open for more of his subtle, well-
executed vision. This is a simple film that could easily be overlooked but packs quite a wallop when you
actually sit down and soak it in.

Elephant (1989)
- 5 out of 10 -

This is a short film by Alan Clarke about mindless violence, and quite literally, that is all that it is. No dialogue,
no plot, just scene after scene of people getting shot, all walks of life, for no apparent reason. It's a great
idea, but I would imagine even the most patient moviegoer is going to get bored after a few minutes. Gus
Van Zant's film by the same name was inspired by this short film, though he wrapped his mindless killing up
in a story. This feels like an important film, but on a watchability scale it doesn't rank very high.

Elf (2003)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

I really like this movie - it manages to be wholesome and family-friendly and still very funny for adults, a task
that is accomplished about as often as a new pope gets installed. This is 100% entirely due to the comedic
doofusry of Will Ferrell, who's physical, man-child moronic acting is so goddam retardedly funny I found
myself laughing out loud, and often. The entire film he acts like a seven year old after inhaling a few dozen
pixie stix, with non-stop comical jibber-jabber. The only real negative on the flick is that it drags during the
last 20 minutes or so, when they try to make it all smiley good-time happy endingville, but the rest of it is so
great, I'm willing to overlook that.

Also - even if the film was a boring, unwatchable mess, the fact that the incredibly adorable Zooey Deschanel
would have me stopping and watching this every time I saw it on. She is a such a damn enchantress that if
this were the Middle Ages she'd probably be burned as a witch.

Elizabeth 1 (2006)
- 3 out of 10 -

I tried, really I did, but with very few exceptions I just cannot get behind period costume dramas
set around this particular time no matter how strong the story or acting is. There are exceptions,
with The Lion in Winter being the first to pop in my mind, but there has probably 2 dozen films turned
off early for each of those that I liked. I made it through an hour before being both bored to tears and
creeped out by the outfits. I’m sure this film will get great reviews across the bored, but great reviews
don’t reduce the willies this thing gave me.

Elizabethtown (2005)
- 5.5 out of 10 -

Cameron Crowe is back again with another fluff masterpiece and a decent soundtrack. Man screws
up in life, goes home to bury his father, meets a cute girl along the way, and through family and friends
and a piece of ass figures out that screwing up a business deal doesn’t really matter much in the long
run. It’s a cute enough movie, and Kirsten Dunst certainly is fetching as the female lead, but like most
of Crowe’s films the story and characters are as shallow as a plastic kiddie pool.

I’ll give Crowe credit for one thing – he is great at getting paying acting gigs for good musicians. First
it was Mark Kozalek in Almost Famous, and now in this film My Morning Jacket serve as the cousin’s
backing band during the funeral when they play “Freebird”, and it rules.

Emperor of the North Pole (1973)
- 8 out of 10 -

I'd never even heard of this movie! Imagine, a depression-era film about hobos and train-hopping
starring Lee Marvin and Ernest Borgnine and it flew under my radar...that just ain't right.

This film is about one thing - getting over on the man. In this case, the man is Ernest Borgnine, who
plays the bull on the No. 19, a rickety old rail line barely holding together. Borgnine has a particularly
mean streak running through him, and many a hobo trying to catch a free ride has ended up maimed
or dead from his tactics. Lee Marvin plays the king of the hobos, and has taken it upon himself to ride
this train and prove that no bull can stop him. From there on out it's an exciting game of cat-and-
mouse, and you can guess who comes out the victor. But man is it a fun ride getting there.

Highly recommended, if you can find it - I'm not sure if it's ever been released on video or dvd, I just
happened ot catch it on a movie channel one day. The fact that every film by Borgnine and Marvin
aren't on dvd is appalling, much lessa vehicle starring both of them. Get yer head out of yerass,
Hollywood...

Empire of the Sun (1987)
- 10 out of 10 -

Given how much I love this movie, I don’t think any review I could write would do it justice. So here
is a list of reasons that I think this movie rules:
1. Christian Bale…in one of his very first roles, as such a young kid, gives one of my favorite
performances ever captured on film. He manages to pull off being a pompous brat of a kid and
drawing sympathy at the same time.
2. John Malkovich…as Bale’s “father figure”, he proves to be just as disappointing as his real father
but in different ways. Fantastic acting job as well.
3. The story…when I first saw this, I knew nothing of the Japanese-Chinese wars that raged during
those years, and I still know very little. But I find it all extremely fascinating.
4. The Cinematography…so many scenes come to mind; Jim getting separated from his parents,
the country club, the Japanese base, the trip to the former soccer stadium, the dropping of the
atomic bomb…really too many to name, that even as a small kid they made my jaw drop.
5. The direction…along with Schindler’s List and The Color Purple, I think these three films will be
his most enduring legacy as to what makes Spielberg such a great director. The ability to give you
both the big picture and insight in to the individuals without getting caught up needlessly in the details
are his best traits.

Employee of the Month (2006)
- 5 out of 10 -

This film is exactly what you would expect – a cheesy romantic comedy featuring Jessica Simpson and Dane
Cook. Everything you think will happen does happen, as if the damn thing were written by some computer
algorithm. I saw this on an airplane so it was tolerable for that setting, but no a film worth seeking out. The only
real bright spots were Andy Dick and Harland Williams providing some comic relief on occasion.

End of the Century (2003)
- 9 out of 10 -

As I consider The Ramones one of the greatest pop bands of all time, it’s obvious that I went into this
film with preconceived notions as to how good the output would be. The fact that it contains so much
live footage spanning their career would probably make this film a 7 alone, but the documentary/inter-
view aspect of the film is terrific as well. You really get a feel for everyone’s personality – how shy
Joey was, what an ass Johnny was, and how cool/fucked up/entertaining Dee Dee was. That they are
all gone at such a young age is a tough pill to swallow, but the legacy they have left behind will be re-
membered forever. I really don’t know what else to say – it’s a fucking great film, highly entertaining,
and full of amazing music. And long past due to such important members of the culture we know today.

Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (2004)
- 8.5 out of 10 -

You know, I thought I understood what this scandal was all about before I saw this film, but it turns
out I had no idea the level of deception going on behind the scenes with these jackasses. “Enron”
systematically uncovers abuse after abuse by the company’s top men, stuff so bad that I don’t
see how anyone can possibly defend what they did. And more importantly, from a film standpoint,
the documentary was actually quite interesting to boot. Well worth seeing, and prepare to get
pissed off, especially if you are a Californian.

Envy (2004)
- 3 out of 10 -

I was going to say I can’t believe Barry Levinson is responsible for this dreck, but then again he’s
made plenty of crap so I shouldn’t be surprised (ahem…Sphere, Jimmy Hollywood, et al). But he is
also responsible for the greatest TV show of all time – Homicide: Life on the Street, as well as one of
the best baseball movies of all time, The Natural – so I always want to give the guy a little leeway. But
jesus, this movie is terrible.

The story is about the title – envy. Jack Black’s character is an impossible dreamer, Ben Stiller’s
character is rooted in the real world, and they’re best friends. Black invents this stuff that makes dog
crap disappear, Stiller gets jealous over his fame and fortune, and unfunny hijinks ensue. The only
saving grace at all was Christopher Walken’s strange bum/stalker character, but it still wasn’t enough
to salvage this crap fest. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

(As an aside – someone should really distill all of Walken’s bit parts in crappy movies down to a tape
of greatest hits – it would surely be one of the best things ever made. I’m not kidding)

Equilibrium (2002)
- 6 out of 10 -

My only guess as to why the fanboys didn’t latch on to this one is that they were too busy stroking the
ego of those suck-fest Matrix movies. Although the two films are entirely different, and this one is much
better than those, they sorta occupy the same space in movie land, and Equilibrium suffered because
of it. Don’t get me wrong – this is a pretty terrible movine, but it is enjoyable to watch and laugh at. The
sets are pretty shoddy, the acting suspect, but the overall Fahrenheit 451-ness of the story keeps things
interesting. There are plot holes you can drive a mack truck through and continuity issues, but someone
gets their face sliced off and that more than makes up for it. Plus, if you are like my girlfriend getting to
see a buff Christian Bale on screen is always a treat.

Eragon (2006)
- 3 out of 10 -

“So, we're making this goofy movie about dragons...what should we name it? Oh I know, let's just replace
the first letter of dragon “d” with the next letter “e”...good enough.”

Actually, the movie was based on a book by the same name, so maybe the above dialog should instead
be applied to author Christopher Paolini. And none of this really matters when you get down to the basic
fact that this is a goofy ren-faire-type film full of bad acting and worse special effects. The saddest thing of
all is there were a number of quality actors attached to this (Jeremy Irons, Robert Carlyle, Djimon Hounsou,
John Malkovich), but since they had almost nothing to work with you can't expect much out of them.

Escape from New York (1981)
- 9 out of 10 -

Along with “Road Warrior”, I consider this THE defining film of the “post-apocalyptic” genre. There
are so many things right about this movie...Kurt Russell as one of best film badasses of all time, and
a supporting cast of Harry Dean Stanton, Ernest Borgnine, Isaac Hayes, Lee Van Cleef and Donald
Pleasence...what's not to love? The concept of walling off all of Manhattan and turning it into the
prominent maximum security prison of the U.S. Has got to be one of the best ideas of all time (that
almost definitely came at the hands of some quality drugs). As always, jack-of-all-trades John
Carpenter not only does a great job directing this flick, but he helped write it and create the score
as well. Carpenter has created numerous great films over the years, but for my money this one goes
down as his best.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
- 6.5 out of 10 -

The beginning of the film was fine, and so was the end…but the middle, it just dragged and dragged.
It seemed pretty obvious what was going on – his memory was being erased as he had signed up for,
he somehow subconsciously decided he didn’t want it to happen, and then he was battling to keep his
memories around. It was a great idea, a neat concept, it was well executed, but it didn’t need to take
up the bulk of the film.

Other than that, pretty enjoyable – nice soundtrack, great cast (I always enjoy Mark Ruffalo in a film,
and Kate Winslet is terribly cute), well shot, nice special effects…I think my only real complaint is how
the film drags in the middle, because when I think back on it that’s the first thing that pops into my mind.

Have I mentioned that the major flaw of this film is how it goes on and on for the middle act of the film?

It did get me thinking though, as I’m sure it did most folks who saw it – would you erase painful or bad
memories if you had the opportunity? My gut reaction is “no”, that those experiences are what made
you what you are. But then again, I’ve never had anything particularly bad happen to me, so who knows
how I would feel in that situation? It’s an interesting conundrum to be sure.

Europa Europa (1990)
- 7 out of 10 -

Yes, another holocaust movie. But an interesting and true story at work here - a young Jewish boy, his
family swept away in the tide of anti-semitism in Poland, somehow lies and finagles his way into the
German ranks and the Hitler Youth movement. The film mostly revolves around the boy and his conflicting
feelings towards what he has found himself caught up in, and the battle of his guilt versus the desire for
self-preservation. It’s a good flick, at least as good as most other holocaust-related titles that I’ve seen.

Even Dwarves Started Small (1970)
- 4 out of 10 -

I’m pretty sure I didn’t get out of this what Herzog wanted me to get out of this. Mostly I just saw a poorly acted
film full of dwarves talking in German with no plot in sight. I’m sure there was some message about the meek
inheriting the earth or god knows what that he was going for, but it was either over my head or poorly handled
cause it missed me entirely. I would imagine that if you watched this film stoned though, it would probably be
the greatest movie ever.

Everything Is Illuminated (2006)
- 8 out of 10 -

When I added this to my netflix cue I wasn’t expecting much; the previews presented it as a bit of a romp,
a guy on a quest for his ancestral homeland in eastern Europe with a ragtag group of goofy helpers. And
for the first half of the film, this was a pretty fitting description – Elijah Wood is an uptight American seeking
the Jewish village his grandparents fled right before it was attacked by the Nazis during WWII. He is
assisted on his quest by a guide and driver who claims to be blind so he can take his seeing-eye dog
Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. with him everywhere (though he can see fine), and also by that man’s grandson, a
b-boy played by Eugene Hutz of Gogol Bordello who serves as their translator.

Everything is going along fine, funny bits here and there, beautiful cinematography of the countryside, but
as the close in on their destination things get heavy. Without getting too long-winded in the description,
there is nearly no one and nothing left of the village that once stood, but other discoveries are made by the
search party that transcend just finding a few buildings and old people living in the countryside. And speak-
ing of the countryside, it is absolutely gorgeous in this flick, a trip I’ll be taking in the future for sure.

Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003)
- 3 out of 10 -

No, this isn't a documentary about Glenn Danzig's second band, though that would have been super rad.
No, this is a super low budget horror flick starring a bunch of famous porn stars and about two minutes
of Richard Grieco (which is more than enough of him for anybody). Given the cast, it was almost dis-
appointing how little “T&A” was in this thing – they're famous for fucking on screen for god's sake! They
shouldn't even have their shirts on! This goof-fest is barely over an hour long, but it's more than enough
inanity for anybody. I'm not even going to mention the story because I'm almost positive they wrote it as
they went along, while high and/or drunk.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005)
- 5.5 out of 10 -

I wasn't expecting much, and "not much" pretty well sums up the film. For a horror flick, or what at least
presents itself as a horror flick...it isn't very horrific. I'll give it a bit of a thumbs up for the acting - Laura
Linney and Tom Wilkinson do decent jobs with the material they are given, which ain't much honestly.
Not awful, but totally forgettable.

The Exorcist: The Beginning (2004)
- 3 out of 10 -

What a crap fest. I'll say this – there was a pretty damn good battle at the end of the film between, I dunno,
the undead and the priests or local diggers or army or whatever…it was honestly the only time I could get
assed up to actually pay attention to what was happening on the screen. Stellan Skarsgard tried doing a
decent job in his role but he wasn't given a lot to work with here.

Extreme Ops (2002)
- 0 out of 10 -

Seriously, I only watched five minutes of this and I feel like it shaved ten points off of my IQ. It's pretty much
one big, long Mountain Dew commercial. To the max! Ugh.

Face (1997)
- 5.5 out of 10 -

A run-of-the-mill British caper film, but unlike the popular Guy Ritchie escapades this flick is much more
dark than goofy, and a considerable bit more boring. Robert Carlyle stars here, and does a nice job,
though he ain't got much to work with.

Now that I think about it, I say this quite often with Robert Carlyle...either he has shit taste in scripts or he
isn't getting offered much good; either way, he is a quality actor that deserves much more meaty roles than
this.

Factotum (2005)
- 7 out of 10 -

Matt Dillon as Charles Bukowski – I don’t think I would have ever imagined this pairing, but I give him
his propers for at least giving it a shot. First and foremost, Dillon is just too pretty – even scuzzed out
like he is in the film, he just can’t pull off the level of ugly that Bukowski achieved. The story and the
way Bukowski’s book was used in the screenplay was done well, but at the same time there is just so
much in his book that you could have made the film 4 hours long and still not really done it justice.
I guess what I’m trying to say is the film would probably seem pretty disjointed if you don’t know the
source material. Still, when it’s all said and done I’d rather see a film based on the writings of
Bukowski than most other things in this world, even if it isn’t that great.

Failure to Launch (2006)
- 4.5 out of 10 -

Here is what I know - Zooey Deschanel is insanely cute. Matthew McConaughey seems like
a very cool dude that would be fun to hang out with. And most importantly, Sarah Jessica
Parker looks like a horse, and an ugly, scary horse at that. Also, you should know that this
movie is awful, but Zooey is on the screen just enough to keep the score from being too bad,
and the unintentional comedy of watching Terry Bradshaw act has to be worth something.
Outside of that the film is just a terrible romantic comedy that unfolds exactly like you expect it
to...I know, we were all expecting something artistic and beautiful but you can't win them all.

Fakers (2004)
- 4 out of 10 -

This is the British version of a popcorn film, only without the tasty butter that makes it go down so
easy. For easiest comparison, think of a poor man’s Oceans 11 starring folks who are probably
popular across the pond but haven’t caught on over here. This is basically a heist/con flick, full of
“witty banter” like the kids love nowadays. There is nothing particularly interesting or exciting that
happens in the whole film really, but I suppose it is good to look at…well shot and pieced together
if nothing else. Really, that’s all there is to it – if you want to see a boring but passable crime caper,
this is for you.

The Family Stone (2005)
- 5 out of 10 -

If you didn’t think Claire Danes was hot before, you certainly will after viewing a film that has the gall to try
and make you believe the she is the sister of that horseface Sarah Jessica Parker. Outside of that harpy,
it wasn’t a terrible flick…dysfunctional family plus Christmas hijinks equals the occasional laugh, but a little
heavy on the sappy for my tastes (“Home for the Holidays” is a much better version of this basic premise,
only revolving around Thanksgiving instead of Xmas).

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)
- 10 out of 10 -

I can't possibly write a review for one of the greatest movies of all time, so I'll let this quote sum it up for
me: “The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever
happens, your toes are still tappin'. “

Fast Food Nation (2006)
- 6.5 out of 10 -

I wasn't entirely sure how they were going to make this book into a non-documentary movie, and
I mostly watched it out of curiosity. Perhaps it was my low expectations, but I found it to be a very inter-
esting and enjoyable flick, though a little heavy handed at times. My only hope is that at least some of
the small group of folks who watched this film actually took something from it in regards to factory farm-
ing and knowing where your food actually comes from. Though most likely, the only people who actually
paid any attention are the ones that knew what was happening before seeing this film.

Fear (1996)
- 3 out of 10 -

Fresh off the heels of his “Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch” album and some Calvin Klein underwear
modeling gigs, and we are supposed to buy Mark Wahlberg as a menacing clod? Oooookay then. It's
pretty much a stupid movie from start to finish, with the only real bright side being how hot Alyssa Milano
is in it.

FearDotCom (2002)
- 3 out of 10 -

Holy crap, this is a terrible movie. Remember the Ring, where if you watched the video you died? Well,
this is just like that, only they substituted a website for the video tape and there is no hot-ass Naomi
Watts to even look at. Assholes.

Fear X (2003)
- 5 out of 10 -

Um, well, uh...you know, some movies just don't leave you with anything to say. I really liked the “feel” of
this flick and the music by Brian Eno, but outside of that there just wasn't much of anything there. John
Turturro deserves better than this.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)
- 10 out of 10 -

Shit, I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to review this movie, I’ve seen it so many damn times it numbers
into absurd levels…1000 viewings is probably a low estimate. I seriously watched it nearly every single day
of a large chunk of my childhood. My mom could even recite most of the lines in it. So I guess you could say
I like this movie, and it shaped much of my childhood. That’s about as reviewy as I can get on this one.

Festival Express (2003)
- 8 out of 10 -

Any excuse to make or watch a film with live Band footage is a-ok with me, and this documentary about a
Canadian train tour has plenty of it. There was also a lot of Grateful Dead, but they were pretty tolerable back
then, not nearly as jammy or retarded as they turned out to be. Guess the drugs hadn’t fully kicked in yet. The
film also includes Buddy Guy and Janis Joplin in starring roles both on and off the stage. All of this footage is
paired with some of the performers (the few who are still alive, but no Band members oddly) talking fondly about
this tour, “waxing poetic” if you will about being a drunk & stoned musician in 1970. All in all pretty entertaining
stuff here.

Final Destination 3 (2006)
- 2 out of 10 -

It's really not even worth the waste of energy to type out what a turd of a movie this is. But I do want to mention
that there is a scene where a horse goes crazy and kills a bunch of people – I'm pretty sure this was a docu-
mentary scene and not fiction. This is exactly the sort of behavior that comes natural to man's number one
enemy, the horse; watch your backs people, these horses will hesitate at nothing to end your life and that of
your loved ones.

Find Me Guilty (2006)
- 7.5 out of 10 -

Well you can color me a bright red shade of surprise, because I don't think I would have ever guessed in a
thousand years that Vin Diesel had the ability to act on the level he does in this film. I'm sure I'm not alone in
having written him off as a crappy action film star only, but this film showed me that there may be more to this
lunkhead than meets the eye. This is a great story to boot, a true story about a group of gangsters defending
themselves in the court battle of their lives. Much of the dialogue used in the film was taken directly from the
court transcripts, which makes the movie even more amazing because some of the courtroom scenes are
absolutely ridiculous. One of the better movies I've seen recently, which I don't think I ever expected to be
able to say about a vehicle starring Vin Diesel.

Firewall (2006)
- 6 out of 10 -

I kept hoping that Harrison Ford would use the line made famous by Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon
series - "I'm getting too old for this shit". cause that was pretty much what I was thinking, watching him
run around like a much younger kid, saving his family and beating up the bad guys...when exactly does a
former action film star like himself get too old to be making these sorts of movies? I guess I'm not the
one to decide the answer to that, but my opinion is it's time foe him to hang up this particular line of work,
not unlike how Woody Allen has seemed to have finally figured out that he is no longer a viable romantic
lead in his films. anyways, this flick is a very cookie cutter thriller/"save your family from the baddies"
action fare, but it's entertaining enough (especially for being an airline flick as this was for me). But
enough with the action flicks Han Solo.

The Firm (1988)
- 7 out of 10 -

I've always had a fascination with soccer hooligans, so an entire film about them is right up my alley. Gary
Oldman leads the "firm" as they are called, as they battle other firms over who is "best boy". There was a
lot of English slang that didn't make a ton of sense to me, and I never was 100% sure what team they pulled
for (though, as always, I'll just assume it was the Tottenham Hotspurs), but it still was a rather enjoyable take
on fanaticism, which mostly seemed to serve only the purpose of alleviating boredom of the firms otherwise
mundane existence.

The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh (1979)
- 6 out of 10 -

Like with a bad porno, let's just pretend this film doesn't even have a story because honestly, it's so terrible
you have to wonder why they even bothered. No, the reason this film was made and the reason we all watch
it is for the basketball scenes, and more specifically, Dr. J. And that's fine really, cause there are a lot of
these scenes and they are damn entertaining.

F.I.S.T. (1978)
- 5 out of 10 -

The first film ever written by the infamous Joe Eszterhas, and also the only thing he's put out that isn't a
complete pile of steaming shit (only a small pile in this case). Sly Stallone as a union organizer and a ball
buster during the depression...that's believable enough I suppose. And the movie looked great, really
nailing the feel of the depression through both the costumes and the sets. But the movie itself...boring.
Just a heaping pile of boring, coupled with an awful acting job from Stallone...watchable if you've got
insonia late at night and nothing else is on.

Flags of Our Fathers (2006)
- 6 out of 10 -

This is another of those war movies that coulda used more...war. What it did have was fantastic and as
brutal as anything since "Saving Private Ryan", which in turn made the boring non-battle scenes that much
more ho-hum. While I appreciate hearing the backstory of those that rose the flag on Iwo Jima and their
treatment as heroes, much, MUCH too much time was spent on this topic - either shortn the movie or
lengthen the battle scenes, but the way it is now it feels unbalanced to me. Hopefully the second half of
the Clint Eastwood Iwo Jima tandem of films will stack up better.

Flightplan (2006)
- 2 out of 10 -