MOVIE REVIEWS!!!
See archives for past reviews.

All these crappy reviews by Jake Thomas unless otherwise noted.

Review Archives:
A - C     D - G     H - K     L - N     O - R     S - T     U - Z

New Reviews (just scroll down to read)
The Car (7/10)
Dead Snow (6/10)
Fast & Furious (4/10)
the Final Destination (3/10)
The Ghost Writer (8/10)
The Girl In Lover's Lane (3/10)
Halloween II (7/10)
Hostel: Part II (5/10)
Julie & Julia (6/10)
the Losers (6/10)
The Mark of Cain (7/10)
The Other Guys (7.5/10)
A Serious Man (6.5/10)
Street Kings (5/10)
Thirst (4/10)
The Unborn (4/10)
War, Inc. (7.5/10)


The Car (1977)
 - 7 out of 10 -

It's a campy B (probably actually a C or D) movie about a possessed car with apparently no driver hunting
folks down in and around Zion National Park in Utah.  James Brolin stars as the hero cop who works to
stop the car, and boy does he ever chew the scenery, like a cow in clover.  This is a damn enjoyable film
though, and the southwestern Utah setting only helps matters.  Seems like a film that is ripe for a remake,
though there is absolutely no way a modern rendition could capture the seventies camp of this version.


Dead Snow (2009)
 - 6 out of 10 -

So you say you like Nazi zombie horror movies filmed in Norwegian?  Well you've come to the right place! 
It's a pretty terrible flick, but luckily the film knows it and alternates between gore-porn and (probably) mak-
ing fun of the genre.  I mean, at one point someone is dangling off the side of a cliff using another persons
intestines like rope...quite the tensile strength those things have?  Must have been a high fiber diet. 


Fast & Furious (2009)
 - 4 out of 10 -

I like this trend of giving your sequels the same name as the original film, only without the articles.  It bas-
ically the same film as all the others, some "convoluted undercover cops infiltrating the racing underworld"
nonsense.  I suppose at this point you're not even trying to watch for the plot though, you're watching for
fast cars, over-produced races, and the occasional hot lady used as eye candy. 


The Final Destination (2009)
 - 3 out of 10 -

Nothing like a Hollywood "blockbuster" that looks as poorly made as a SciFi Channel original.  Awful
special effects, lots of cheap gimmickry for the purpose of it being in 3D, and acting straight from a high
school play.  Maybe I'll give them a point in their favor for having someone killed by both an escalator and
a rock thrown from a mower.


The Ghost Writer (2010)
 - 8 out of 10 -

Say what you will about Roman Polanski being a child rapist, the man knows how to spin a good yarn. 
This one feels like an instant classic, a tale of conspiracies and cover-ups and double crossings and
general spy-related creeping around, all packaged inside of a story about a man (Ewan McGregor)
being brought in to ghost write the British Prime Minister's autobiography.  The setting is probably the
biggest star of the flick - a rainy, bleak island supposedly in New England but filmed in Denmark (what
with the extradition issues of the director and all)...it really sets the mood, managing to look beautifully
enticing and dreadfully boring at the same time.  Highly recommended.


The Girl In Lover's Lane (1960)
 - 3 out of 10 -

Jack Elam alert!!!  Ol' crooked eyes really creeps up this crappy movie something fierce, and is the only
reason you should ever consider watching it.  Unless you're watching the Mystery Science Theater
version, wherein you will get laffs and Elam creeping.


Halloween II (2009)
 - 7 out of 10 -

Rob Zombie proves yet again that he is the best old school gory horror movie director working today. 
Who would have thought that would be the cast back when he was pumping out mediocre butt rock for
the masses?  This is really nothing like the original Halloween sequel, but that doesn't make it any less
entertaining or well made.  Zombie really understands that while a good horror movie needs some gore,
it doesn't have to be ridiculous and over the top as is the current trend in the genre.  Plus, he picks the
best soundtracks for his films...nothing like a horror film that includes a little Pure Prairie League!


Hostel: Part II (2007)
 - 5 out of 10 -

I had no idea this movie even existed until I came across it on one of the movie channels...and for the
most part it might as well have not existed, pretty much just another boring entry into the gore porn
genre.  But the final scene, where a feral group of kids play soccer with the head of one of the bait
girls, made this very much worth watching.


Julie & Julia (2009)
 - 6 out of 10 -

The tale of two movies - the story of Julia Childs' beginnings coupled with the tale of a loser girl
blogging about working her way through Julia's cook book.  The Childs portion was pretty entertaining
and well acted, but it didn't take long to get bored of the more modern story about a girl trying to get a
life through blogging and cooking. 



The Losers (2010)
 - 6 out of 10 -

Very typical Hollywood action film that hits all the cliches but somehow I still kinda enjoyed it.  You had
gratuitous explosions, sexual tension with an ass-kicking girl, comical one liners just before shoot outs,
heroes rescuing random children, double-crossing good guys, and not flinching when explosions
happen right beside you.  It was fun though, so fuck it.


The Mark of Cain (2000)
 - 7 out of 10 -

As a documentary film, this is a very rudimentary and basic endeavor.  But the topic - Russian prisons,
the prisoners and their tattoos - couldn't be made boring even by the worst filmmaker in the world.  The
iconography and mythology surrounding the Russian criminal caste and their identifying tattoos is as
fascinating a subject as exists on this marble, and I suggest anyone read up more on it. 


The Other Guys (2010)
 - 7.5 out of 10 -

There's been a lot of movies made about bad ass cops kicking asses, taking names, and facing no
repercussions.  And then there are the characters played by Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg - the other
guys (see what I did there?).  It's Ferrell basically playing an uptight accountant for the police force
getting involved in real crimes, and as you might have guessed, hijinks ensue.  I pretty much always
love Ferrell's movie because I love stupid and he does stupid so very well, but this is a decent flick on
top of being hilarious.  It manages to combine a lot of goofy comedy with a send up of over-the-top
action films.  Even some of Ferrell's naysayers might find something to like in this one. 


A Serious Man (2009)
 - 6.5 out of 10 -

I liked it, but it didn't really feel very "Coen-y" did it?  It was so awkward and uncomfortable that it was
almost like some re-imagining of a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode.  Of course, this mean that
Richard Kind felt right at home in the otherwise little known cast.  Still, well worth watching as even a
slightly sub-par Coen film is better than most folks' best efforts.


Street Kings (2008)
 - 5 out of 10 -

Apparently since "Training Day" was so successful, why not make another film about a team of crooked
Los Angeles cops and the one member who stands up to the corruption?  The stories are different (and
apparently James Elroy had a hand in writing this one) but all of the base elements are identical.  Well,
one big base element is different - this one has the greatest actor of our generation, Keanu Reeves. 
He's not altogether terrible here, but it's just hard to take him serious as a rogue cop breaking all the
rules to get the bad guys. 


Thirst (2009)
 - 4 out of 10 -

A Korean vampire movie.  Honestly, it was pretty boring and I was kinda zoned out for most of it.  It in-
volved some vampire priest and the woman he was in love with.  Some uninteresting shit happened. 
The end. 


The Unborn (2009)
 - 4 out of 10 -

A very by-the-books horror film about a girl being haunted by her unborn twin.  It has all the makings of
the modern horror film - creepy kids, things jumping at you suddenly, a black person being one of the
first to die...you know, the usual.  Not awful, just...boring and typical.  The star of the film, Odette Yustman,
looks like a less slutty Megan Fox which isn't a bad thing and will keep you at least somewhat interested
even if the story won't.  Kinda surprising that they managed to get Gary Oldman and Idris Elba for such
a mediocre flick, but sometimes you just gotta get paid I guess. 


War, Inc. (2008)
 - 7.5 out of 10 -

I was a little surprised at the low reviews and negative reaction to this very enjoyable film.  Apparently
folks don't like comedy-action movies made that poke fun of the fact that corporations, not governments,
run the world these days.  John Cusack basically reprises his neurotic hit man role from "Gross Pointe
Blank", only instead of a fancy suburb of Detroit he's in some made up Stan in central Asia, assassinating
big wigs, wooing ladies and trying to keep a petulant pop star happy.  I found it to a smart, engaging piece
though apparently I'm in the minority.  I also though Hillary Duff as a slutty pop star was pretty hot, so
whatever.